FR#26: How Cupcakes Changed My Life

Date: 2009-11-24 Tuesday

Place--Chelsea, Chelsea Cupcakes, Belgian Bar

Time--10:00

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Rufio and I meet up near his office. He is looking for several cupcake places, the addresses of which he had stored on his camera. Not really prepared for an adventure, I am not wearing my contacts, so on the way to Chelsea Cupcakes, Rufio serves as my eyes, pointing out pick up targets.

I botch every approach. In particular, here is how one goes:

"Hey, I thought you looked cute and had to talk with you."

"Wow, really? That's so cool." The girl wobbles as I grope for something else to say.

"Uh, let's see...hey, let's get some falafel!" I say as I glance around and see a Mediterranean restaurant across the street.

"That'd be great, but honestly, there was this party at work and I'm kind of drunk."

Recently, conversation has been dying on me. Recently, approach anxiety and opening has become a huge hurdle - bigger than before. Over the past few weeks, I have been going out a little less, and I have had my reasons for doing so. Most of these reasons are just lame excuses though. Acting chode has made me chode - we are what we do. I am facing relapse.

I remember the feeling of walking through the bakery's doors. I feel as if I am entering a vacuum, as if I had been walking underwater all this time and now some great weight had been lifted from me. All the thoughts I had in my head were like a swamp of syrup, but I just snapped

out of it and was acting.

I am speaking with this girl - fashion designer- and her friend - playwright- shakes my hand, mistaking me for someone else. We take our food and I sit with them - imposing on them really, but I plow ahead anyhow. Somehow, Fashion Designer is inviting me to grab dinner with them. I look over and Rufio is chatting up a couple from Germany. We merge the groups and head out together, first to Belgian Bar, then to Korea Town, then to a wine bar on the lower side, then back to my place to hang out, drink more wine, talk.

An aside: Belgian Bar has awesome beer - Belgian, German, and all those good nationalities. I highly recommend the place.

I hate to summarize it so, because it was my best night out. Seven of us in total - all awesome people. I had little difficulty connecting with most of them on some level, except for Fashion Designer.

In Belgian Bar, I sit next to Fashion Designer. I had been trying to build rapport with her all along, but could not. Make "I statements" they say. Talk about your feelings, your perceptions - after all, that's all you know of the world. Several people, including Rufio, have said this is a good way to connect to make the interaction seem familiar. In other words, when friends converse, they do not probe and ask questions but instead make statements about their own life.

I try to make these "I statements," but Fashion Designer does not open up. In Belgian Bar, I continue to try to connect with her, when suddenly, Rufio starts talking with her. He began speaking about photography - something she enjoyed - but also other things. He monologues, often times looking away, as if he is speaking not to pull her into conversation, but just to speak.

I turn to enter the adjacent conversation, but turn back and just watch him. Rufio had hardly spoken with Fashion Designer, yet here he is building instant rapport.

I cannot comment much on rapport building. I can only say that I feel it is a skill that can be developed through time, through being interested in and learning about different things, through being observant and talking with many people, and through making statements about your thoughts to other people.

Another interesting aspect of the night is one of the women of our group - the German. Throughout the night, she kept coming back to me, striking up conversation, asking me questions, giving me kino and IOIs. I wondered if she had been attracted to me, as I did not feel she did this with other people in the group. Finally, though, I think she just has a very...special frame of mind. She is very giving, genuinely interested, yet not at all needy. She is the kind of woman that makes men wonder if and hope that she is attracted. Imagine if the women you met were not entirely sure if you felt attraction for them, but deeply hoped that attraction was there.

So, I forget why this night changed my life. I am a bit too tired right now to think much about it. Maybe it was the simple awesomeness of it, or seeing how Rufio so quickly built rapport, or observing that very unique girl from Germany.

Anyhow, the next day, I left for New Jersey for Thanksgiving. Upon returning, I went out to hang with Rufio. I tried some approaches, but found myself consumed by anxiety. Ah, I feel I am going backward. Really, my mindset has been weak for the past several days - I have just felt so lazy.

Ahh...continued in my next blog.