Inner Game: Self-Reflection

Over the past few years, I have begun to feel that I have depression. My family has a history of it, which affirms the belief. However, discussions with my father have led me to believe that traditional remedies are not the most effective. You see, when someone is unhappy or frustrated, we often point to factors in that person's life as the cause. However, when someone is clinically depressed, we point to the person's chemistry as the cause. While there may be genetic issues that lead to chemical imbalances, all feelings - anger, frustration, happiness - are chemical reactions within us. Our very thoughts and emotions are only chemicals floating around in our bodies and electricity firing through organic wiring. What is more, often all that is needed is a psychological change, a change in perception, and how we feel and think can change. A change of frame can make an awful day awesome. Meditation can even turn the anguish we feel from physical pain into to calm acceptance. Thus, I feel we often have it within ourselves to overcome psychological difficulties - we need not turn to medication.

Recent studies have suggested that the most effective cure for depression are things like exercise, work, studies. I believe there is a deeper message to the claims of these studies. Instead, I feel it is action that cures, the feeling of moving with purpose. Most importantly, it is being able to look back to see that our actions have created something.

Years ago, watching TV for hours or playing video games would leave me with an empty, listless feeling, where as writing a paper that took me on some sort of mental journey gave would make me feel good.

I do not feel this is only my experience. Many people have told me they feel fulfillment when they can point to something they feel is worthwhile and say, "It was I who did that."

For eons, life has been about action and instincts - not about thought. Thinking absolutely has immense value, but it can also be addictive, distracting, and self-destructive. I have many friends who spend so much time studying that it seems to me they have absolutely no perspective on what they are doing.

Rufio recently introduced me to Eckhart Tolle. He speaks of similar ideas about thinking and analysis. Eckhart feels that so much thought destroys our wisdom. I feel it is true. Also, so much stimulus from the media, from books, from everything, also distracts us and destroys our wisdom.

I am still a bit confused by all this, and I feel lost in many ways. I have recently started watching Battlestar Galactica and other movies, which has really distracted from the important things in my life and has allowed me to slip into an overstimulated, overly-thoughtful depression.

Anyway, I have always felt lost. I have always been too lost in thought for my own good. I have lots of faults and bad habits, in particular procrastination and the inability to see things through. These two faults occur because I get distracted easily by pointless crap in my life, and this in turn leads me to feeling sluggish and unmotivated.

Again, I feel action is the cure. Before I take action, there is this strange feeling of inertia inside of me, but those times when I overcome it, I feel incredible, impassioned, and the people around me tell me they can feel it.

Maybe, as Eckhart suggests, meditation - the state of mind he calls Stillness - will also help. He mentions being bored. Maybe I should put aside time everyday when I do absolutely nothing, become bored, and try to not let my mind run off with thoughts.

This blog has had some angst in it. I may not be perfect, but there is more action and less mulling about in my life than ever before. My chode periods are shorter than they used to be, and my good periods are longer. The day will come when I am on the other side of this tunnel - I know it.

Maybe most of you will read this and think to yourselves, "Wow, Sparrow is kind of weird...I'm definitely better off than this guy." I hope so because if I can achieve my personal goals, then you definitely can as well.

Some of those who read this blog may already be where they want to be and may think I am being melodramatic. I urge you to look around. Most people are seriously frustrated with their lives. They have the tools and opportunities necessary to turn everything around, yet their lives will not change for the better.

I am no worse off than most people - in fact I am probably better off. Thank the gods for that - and good night. It's fracking late.