It has been about twenty days since my last field report. I suppose a mixture of laziness, fixing up my apartment, and everything else in my life has kept me busy.
In the past twenty days, I have not sarged as much as I would have liked. I went out maybe only ten or so times, maybe a little less. Now that I'm fairly settled and that I have my internet connection up and running finally, I will come back to my journal and networking blogs.
Due to sarging late and early morning responsibilities, most of the first week is completely buzzed out; I can hardly remember much.
I know it is really basic, but sleep is so important. You may be able to operate on little sleep - Doctors and crazy students do it - but you will not be able to evaluate and reflect on what is going on. Self-reflection is just as important as being productive. If you are too busy or too tired to step back and reflect on your life, then you are just one step removed from the rest of the animal kingdom. Be human - take the time to think about yourself and what is going on in your life. Always sleep and always take the time to just sit and think. Keeping a blog/journal also helps!
So, the first week, I spent most of my time moving between Queens and Manhattan taking care of odds and ends - I didn't sarge much except for random subway game and a couple numbers.
Rufio invited me out to a concert. His cousin attended whom he encouraged me to sarge. She's a really nice girl, very pretty, and we all hung out for several hours afterward. Her response to me was pretty luke-warm. I came off a bit creepy and try-hard, especially because we spent such a long period together.
Rufio knew one of the organizers and by the end of the night, we met up with the band mates and organizers in a bar midtown. Rufio's cousin ended up going home with someone else and I, who had tried so hard to sarge her all night, couldn't see past her - feeling our interaction deteriorate put a major damper on my night. I am beginning to take everything way too seriously and it's affecting my game.
She looked away for a second and I asked her about her dyed hair as I stroked it. She grinned and called me "fresh," but otherwise did not seem creeped out. Suddenly, our stop came and we had to leave. Even as we took the stairs up from the platform, the girl waved good bye from the train window. I wish I had number closed her.
Last week while out with MasterP and James at the Pool, I spied a seated two-set. MasterP saw me looking and pushed me in. Meanwhile, another guy entered the set and gave me isolation to work the girl I fancied - an adorable Korean girl who came to America to study English.
I walked in and gave her my hand. "I'm Sparrow." She was taken aback at first, but took my hand and smiled. I sat down and starting chatting with her. Though the conversation was a bit stale, I kinoed heavily - touching her shoulder, her thigh a little, then her shoulder. Eventually, I just took her hand and said, "Let's dance."
She follows me through the club, and although I suck at dancing, it goes fine. She pulls a way a little bit, but I put my arms around her and she reciprocates. I go in for a kiss and she gives me her neck, giggles, and squeezes my hand.
We sit down again near her friend and she is practically sitting on top of me, touching my arms and hands, and letting me stroke her hair and massage her as we talk. I go in for kisses a couple more times, but I think in such a public place, she is too shy. After about an hour, I tell her that I'm planning on getting some food somewhere and I suggest that she comes with me. Although her friend is occupied by someone, my girl declines. We had exchanged numbers long before, so I tell her I'm leaving, but stall out and talk with her a bit. She mentions my name again, and I feel she is trying to see if I remember hers, which I do not. She immediately is turned off and tells me good night, though she gives me a really big hug.
Moral of the story:
Be very aggressive with kino and never forget a girl's name.
This Korean girl really cast a spell on me. I was so sad after leaving her even though the night had gone well. It has been more than a week since that night and even still, most women just do not seem so attractive anymore and I feel really unmotivated. Also, ever since that day, the women that I do find attractive are mostly Korean women. Before this girl, I was like this, but now my Yellow Fever is worse!
I think my obsession comes from my time spent with Korean students in school. Though I had several Korean friends, they were still very cliquey and would always revert to Korean amongst themselves even if I was there - maybe because that's how they are, but probably because I was too chode to command major respect. Everything about these Koreans I knew gave them a feeling of exclusivity, like they were all playing hard-to-get. The result is a strong desire to penetrate the culture and get involved with the most hard-to-get among them - the women.
These sentiments are not terribly healthy and are a bit creepy! I wonder whether I should ignore these feelings or give into them so that I can get over them.
The next night, I go out with MasterP and James to the Pool again. I get blown out a couple times and we head to another place that sells burgers in the front, but is a bar in the back.
After choding for a few minutes, I decide AA is for bitches and walk into a back room where a birthday party is wrapping up. I introduce myself to a girl as I sit down and we start talking. I eventually get her to come with me and try to get her to go into a tiny, curtained-off room. She freaks out and I take her back to the party as I explain the room to her. Earlier, James had nudged me into this room where awkward 50's Porn plays on a tiny television - very classy.
Anyway, the girl forgives me, but now I sort of want to drag a girl to that room even though it's kind of creepy.
I come back out and open a three set of blonds, or maybe James and MasterP had already opened them? MasterP and I stay in the set for a while, but eventually James disappears home. I am surprisingly doing really well conversationally and I have two of the girls throwing me compliments and sexual innuendo. I want to take one home and I think I could have. My place doesn't have a bed though, and she is staying with her friend and is leaving the next day to go back home. Soon, I'll have my place and logistics will not be an issue.
After that night, all my sarges have been characterized by mostly weirded out girls and blow outs. I went out with Lupin and a female friend of his who wants to be more social. I felt like we sort of hit it off a tiny bit, but I was more chode than not. A few days later when she was supposed to come out again, Lupin had left and I tried to get this girl to meet me at my place and was full-out rejected.
What really confuses me was that a few nights before, she had made out with a random guy and had asked him to come back with her. Strangely enough, she was rejected, but I definitely think the guy had no clue about women because this girl is really pretty. I have no idea what that says about my being rejected, but oh well.
Anyhow, on this night out, I do some approaches, but nothing really happens. Lupin approaches two Israeli girls. I find neither attractive, so although I try to sarge one of the girls, I have difficulty forcing myself to escalate. Without realizing, though, I am giving Lupin good isolation and he ends up making out with his girl. Later, Lupin tells me he asks the girl to go back to his place with him, and she says yes, but not tonight. He feels a bit rejected until I tell him his girl was going to be taking my girl around New York the next day because she would be leaving the next night.
Later, Lupin, a girlfriend of his, and I return to the Pool. The girl is a huge flirt and when she wants something, goes and gets it, which I find really sexy. Lupin tells me I am free to game her, so I try a bit. She flirts with me a bit, but she is obviously more interested with Lupin. I take it as a challenge, but can't step up my game enough. By the end of the night, she grinds with me a bit. My gum dies in my mouth and I go to throw it away, and the next thing I know, she and Lupin are leaving because she is crazy horny. So that's what spiking buying temperature looks like.
Before that, however, I was wandering around and found a gorgeous, seated Korean girl. I said she looked bored, introduced myself, and sat down. She was waiting for her friend she said. When her friend returns, we three talk a bit and things go fine. I tell them I want to look for my friends and that I'll be back.
Lupin and his girl are dancing, but we soon sit down. Just behind us, behind a plane of glass, are the two Korean girls now being hit on by a bald guy - probably a PUA. My target goes to the bathroom and I go in to invite the guy and the friend to hang out with Lupin and I. She says she'll wait for her friend to get back, so I rejoin Lupin. When her friend gets back, I reenter the set, but they do not want to change location. I simply stay in and eventually number close, though she later flakes.
Another night, Rufio invites me to an art exhibition. It is cool, but we are lazy and do not sarge much. We exit the place, then decide to stop being lame. We go back inside and sarge. I am not sure how he does, but I feel like pretty crappy. Still, I number close a bunch of people and have some good conversation. I also get blown out epically.
I am speaking with one artist with an adorably humongous smile. I point to something on the wall and she tells me it is her friend's work. I go over and talk with her friend (another Korean for God's sake) who very quickly accuses me of being a sexy Indian guy. She says several lines about having sex with me as she touches my stomach and back, and I, in my tired and choded-out state, suddenly snap to attention. Sex? What? OK! I did not realize until too late that she was throwing a huge shit test at me. Boom! Blow out! I walked away feeling shitty and amused at the same time. I was still taking myself too seriously.
Rufio and I then meet up with Lupin in the Lower East Side at Spitzers. As we leave the subway, Rufio looks over and notices two girls who he had seen at the art exhibit. What a coincidence. Thanks to some smooth persuasion by Rufio , the girls come with us.
At Spitzers, I meet Bob, a fellow PUA who Rufio had talked a lot about. We finally find Lupin as well and I watch him work one of the girls that came to Spitzer's with Rufio and I. Lupin transforms into a complete flirt when he is with girls. He eventually wanders off to relocate a girl he had just met. Later, he tells me that in front of her, he opens a four set of 10s. Lupin is turning into a monster at Pick Up.
One of the girls, the artist, takes a liking to me. For some reason, she begs me to tell her about Quantum Mechanics - why she thought I knew anything about the subject, I do not know. back in high school, I had read a bit about the topic, so I explained it to her. By the time I finished, she had the Doggy Dinner Bowl Look on her and she announced that her next painting would be about the Wave-Particle Duality. That's cool.
Eventually, she kept hinting that she wanted to go back to my place with me. Awesome. We start talking about food and she says she will cook Spanish food for me. When I mentioned that I am hungry and want to leave, she asks if I mean for her to come back to my place to "cook." I say yes, and she tells her friend that she's leaving. Her friend gives her a sour face and says that they are waiting for friends to arrive. Two sets are always tough to break up.
Anyhow, I am really hungry, so I bounce with Bob. Maybe I could have gotten laid, but although I really like my Spaniard Artist, she is not completely my type physically, so I am not in a rush to sleep with her - just hanging out with her was cool enough for tonight. Maybe we'll get together to "cook" some other time.
Bob and I get some falafel and Lupin later joins up. He takes us to a party that turns out to be lady-sparse, so we book it. Bob heads back to Long Island and Lupin and I grab some food. Behind us sit a Scottish girl and her friend. With some hesitation, I open her, I forget how. She sees Lupin's food and comments on it, but when he responds, she mishears and thinks he is saying something sly about her accent. She gets pissed off and that's that. After ten minutes, I tell her we didn't mean to offend her and she instantly warms up and starts talking with us again. Pretty cool.
Saturday night, I go out to several places - first to a friend's house party, then to the Pool, then that burger bar, then Max Fix, then Pianos, but I am blown out of everywhere. Do I get a pat on the back for persistence? At the time, however, I was totally bumming about my rough night.
I am invited to a house party somewhere else by Rufio , so I texted my Korean one-itis about it. She says she just arrived home from a movie and needs sometime to get ready. I go to the party, but she never texts back that she's coming. The next day, she texts me apologizing for falling asleep.
By the time I arrive at the party, I felt like a flaming wad of lameness - talk about being out of state. It is cool to see Lupin, Rufio , and some other PUAs having an awesome time though; I've never been able to let loose and go crazy at a party like they were doing tonight. In the past, whenever confronted with others having a total blast, I would wither into a shy ball of nothing. However, the knowledge that I am on a path of change, that the little anti-social guy I was in high school is no longer a big part of me, and that I will soon be rid of all traces of chodeness, allowed me to enjoy the night, even though my energy was so low.
In the past several weeks, I've been feeling increasingly creepy and miscalibrated. Before all this Pick Up stuff, the knowledge that I was a big weirdo really hurt my self-esteem - a limiting perception if there ever was one. Over the years, I have tried to be less creepy, but in the past week, I've been feeling like I've been going backward. Perhaps it is because I have been putting myself out there more, mixed in with the fact that recently I haven't been going out as much. Add to it the fact that nearly all my numbers flake. Ugh.
There have been times when I am in set with a friend and I say something totally miscalibrated. My friend will say things like: "Sparrow doesn't mean that." "He's just saying that because he thinks your cute." That shit totally pisses me off - not only being miscalibrated, but being critiqued on it too, simply because I find it so embarrassing. I try my best to take it in stride though because having someone to critique you in set is invaluable even if on the inside, I find the criticism jarring.
What is more painful than the commentary is when I am miscalibrated and a friend says nothing but simply gives me a concerned glance as if to say, "Sparrow...what the fuck?"
The fact that I let these things get to me, however, is a sign that I am taking myself way too seriously. This is a game and I am making silly mistakes; next time I will just laugh at it. So what if I come off creepy? That's kind of funny. Besides, next time, I'll be a little better. Weirding out people is OK - they will survive.
I feel awkward discussing these issues publicly, to be honest. If I were reading this blog, I might only want to know about the adventures a person has as he progresses.
MasterP is 24 and says that a year ago, he had hardly even touched a girl. He says he would be so nervous talking in front of people that he would stutter. He says he had zero confidence. I look at MasterP and cannot believe what he says about his past - today he is super-confident, totally smooth, has girlfriends and lays.
Lupin is quite the natural. He is a confident dancer, busting out crazy moves he learned as a teen watching MTV - awesome. When he is in-set, his persona completely changes and becomes ultra-playful, ultra-animated. It's very cool to watch.
Rufio is an extremely chill, artsy dude who radiates "nice guy." Due to his background, he has difficulty being sexual, but when he does it, no one suspects. Either way, he is immensely good at pick up, but more so at generally being a cool guy everyone likes.
It is easier to see where a man stands now than where he stood before. Strauss documents his adventures in The Game, but in this blog, I particularly want to chronicle my failures - where I came from. I want people to see the change that is possible.
There are plenty of "American Dream" stories where a kid goes from nothing to everything. These people strike me as super-confident, super-willful people who were dealt a difficult hand in life - these guys seemed to already have the qualities necessary to be successful. However, I was always more curious not about how one becomes successful, but about how one develops the qualities that make success possible.
Now, I am re-watching Tim's Flawless Natural, which really motivates me. I've decided to shadow him as he speaks - repeat after him, mimic his gestures and facial expressions, walk around, imitate his intonation and energy. Isn't that so weird that I am doing this? I think so. I am past the stigma of being weird though, so whatever.
This past week, I've felt like a mega-chode, but I have also had so many recent successes. It is easy to forget when confronted with a night of failures. Tim asks the question in his DVDs, Which is more instructive - a bad night or a good night? The answer is the good and the bad are equally instructive - so both should be treated indifferently. What is more, as time goes on, your bad nights become better. Weeks ago, my worst night out was at Webster Hall where I was so obviously dying from approach anxiety that a girl, out of pity, kissed me on the cheek and offered to help me open women. Now, my bad night involves being blown out of ten sets, trying to day two a girl I kino'ed the hell out of, then bouncing to a house party and grinding with a girl from Bulgaria. I can settle for that as a bad night.
So I have been weird and creepy, so I have been getting blown out like nuts. These failures are OK. I should laugh at them, extract the lessons from them, and move on. The only thing that is not OK is to chode out and do nothing.
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